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Dad Jokes 2019
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Thomas Jefferson
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Title:   Dad Jokes 2019


-- Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

-- It's okay if your phone autocorrects 'fuck' to 'duck.' You're still using fowl language.

-- My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially because his nameís Steve.

-- I've just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

-- I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I donít know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.

-- Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty Nuts!

-- What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.

-- My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.

-- My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, Iím on the fence.

-- I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get 'saved' or you'll 'burn.' Stupid firemen.

-- My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body. I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

-- When two people have sex, its a twosome. When three people have sex, its a threesome. Now I know why people call you handsome.

-- My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues."

-- I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods. It's more difficult to deter gents, though.

-- A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar He came, he saw, he conquered.

-- I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: 'Donít go in there! Donít go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again.

-- Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes...you need to let that mango."

-- My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said, 'Ahh, like making love in a canoe.' When I asked him if it was that good, his smile faded and he said, 'No, it's fucking close to water' and poured it out.

-- My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, 'How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?' He winked at me and said, 'I'm off duty in ten minutes ó meet me in the car park.'

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