|I think Santa Claus is a woman....|
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social
and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men do not even think about selecting
until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think
would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me
enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making
this count alone, I am convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a
everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First, there
no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to
bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,desperate claims that buck season
extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he would still have
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact
there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob
Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. -
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas
probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
This joke is from the collection at www.usaone.net/jokenet