|A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."|
What did the Buddhist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything." (Thanks, Wendy.)
A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one beer chaser. The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer. When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone.
The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast."
The guy explains, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty cents!"
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.
Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.
Did you hear about the Siamese Twins who moved to England so the otherone could drive?
A skeleton walks into a bar and says,"Gimme a beer and a mop."
A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"
So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends.....
So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....
So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"
The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"
A man comes home and finds his girlfriend packing. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you," she answers.
"Leaving me? Why?
"She continues packing and says, "Because I found out today that you're a pedophile!"
"A pedophile? A pedophile?" he shouts. "That's a pretty big word for a ten year old!"
A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?"
The bartender says, "Once upon a time...."
A man is walking on the beach when he's appoached by a gorgeous woman in a skin tight wet suit. She unzips the wet suit a little and removes a cigarette. She lights it and places it between the mans lips.
He can't believe it. She then unzips it a little further and pulls out a martini glass. She proceeds to mix a perfect martini and hands it to him. He thinks he must be dreaming.
She then unzips the wet suit to below her belly button and says, "Do you wanna play around?"
He says, "Wow!!! You have golf clubs in there?"
This joke is from the collection at www.usaone.net/jokenet